Many of us have demonic influences within us, but we also have the dashing prince. Before the Prince can save the damsel in distress, he has to slay the dragons that surround the castle. These demons are our wounds, our fears from our egos. A good example is women who always seem to meet emotionally abusive men. The problem is that these women have always known that pain. They almost feel comfortable with that pain. Their demons must be bound and delivered away: the spirits of poor unforgiveness, self-esteem, trauma and fear.
Sometimes the moment the pain is greatest is a wonderful opportunity: we might actually make a slip and ask Heaven for help. You decide that you need to be healed. A process of miraculous change takes place which is twofold:
- I see my error or dysfunctional pattern
- I ask God to take it from me: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” 1 John 5:14
The healing must happen. They then learn to pray for each other and for the healing of relationships: to reignite one’s love. What is required is deliverance.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? James 4:1
As victims of a sin-nature, we tend to be blind to our own sins and at the same time we are driven to blame our spouse or anyone else for own bad behavior. As Christians, we are called to examine our own personal flaws and to respond to our spouse with understanding and compassion.
Unfortunately, many justify their action by telling ourselves, “I can’t help it!”, which is a myth or a lie. Another reason for arguments is that we too easily give in to our own negative feelings. Jesus called us to rise above our feelings, not to allow them to dominate our will and to continue loving no matter what.
Another flaw in our thinking is something called, “weather proofing” our relationship, which is an arrogant attempt to change one’s spouse into a perfect fantasy in one’s mind of what a spouse should be. What a dangerous illusion! One partner may foster conflict by thinking the other has an evil intent, which is usually not true. When one judges in this way, one is putting on a superiority: he or she is not good enough for me. Remember only God has the right to judge.
This feeling that the spouse is deliberately out to wound the other, leads to insecurity, which in turn leads to low moods; these low moods cause the spouse to lose one’s warm feelings, which in itself is destructive. It is really a cry for help.
If one spouse is in a low mood, it is very difficult to use reason. That spouse has lost touch with logic and has lost sight of reality. Conversely, as one’s spouse begins to feel more secure, one’s mood begins to rise and one will once more break out into the sunlight. Hope is the usual medicine.
When both are in a high mood again, and can think clearly, both should discuss what happened and try to practice a new strategy. To avoid this pitfall, both must agree to inform the other when one is in a low mood before it explodes. It must be agreed on how each should react to respond to a partner’s low mood.
We know that men and women think and act differently. We also know that two partners may come from totally different family backgrounds and experiences. Despite these differences, it would be ideal if both partners begin to change. Even if only one makes the effort, there is usually a wonderful response by the other.
If one’s attitude is excitement at the spouse’s way of seeing the world, one will continue to be in a high mood, constantly stimulated by the partner’s ideas and never feeling threatened by them.
We should discard all false notions of “incompatibility”, which is a myth and an feeble excuse to avoid real commitment. Christians can love one another whether they are compatible or not in the eyes of the world.
A perceived problem is in fact a state of mind, which can manufacture a problem out of anything or even out of nothing. A change of heart is necessary. We have available to us even a higher spiritual change of heart, which prompts us to “lay down my life” for the other. John 10:15 This can only occur with the help of the Holy Spirit. It means that daily we submit ourselves to the will of God — accepting Jesus Christ as one’s personal Lord and Saviour and following in His footsteps and if necessary carrying His cross.
This leads to true conversion: the husband begins to live for his wife instead of for himself, while his wife begins to live for him, rather than for herself. If I “lay down my life” for my wife and live for her happiness, I need never worry, since it is very likely that she will do the same thing in turn for me. The result is that my wife’s needs will be met and my needs will also be met. Instead of living a self-centred life, I live an other-centred life, and I am empowered to do this because I live for God first.
“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:1-4
“Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.” Philippians 2:14-15
- The first step usually begins with an ordinary counseling session to find out how the partners feel about themselves and their relationship.
Much of what holds people back in life is their unresolved feelings and judgments regarding their relationships, even relationships in the distant past. These feelings and judgments act as a kind of dam, holding people’s feelings back, arresting them in place, influencing their perception of other people and disabling them from being able to be emotionally open. Continue reading HEALING OF RELATIONSHIPS 2